The blog of The Sex Positive Coach provides relationship tips and tidbits of information about sexual health, while also promoting the author's belief that all humans deserve love and pleasure, and that all genders, sexual orientations, relationship structures, and consensual sexual activities are valid. Sometimes the posts here are objective and somewhat academic in tone, but ocassionally an issue will arise that provokes a more emotional response. Please take what works for you and leave the rest. We appreciate any sharing, liking, commenting, pinning, or promoting you feel inspired to do to help us get the word out about who we are and what we have to offer.
|Posted by email@example.com on February 17, 2015 at 10:05 PM||comments (0)|
Love is wonderful, it feels so good; but love is not enough to make a relationship successful. Relationships take time, attention, energy, work, and courage…oh so much courage. It takes courage to open up, to share one’s deepest self, to expose one’s vulnerabilities. It takes great courage to take risks with one another, to trust another with your wounded bits. It takes courage to listen and hold space for another. Courage, which means “with heart,” is one of the greatest things a person can bring to relationships. Do you have the courage to love? To trust? To risk? Do you have enough heart to expose your weaknesses? To be fully present for someone else while they expose theirs? Are you brave enough to withhold judgment? To explore your own dark places? To walk with another through the shadowy parts of their psyche?
Courage can be developed. Courage is not about not feeling fear. On the contrary, learning to “feel the fear and do it anyway” is the subject of a whole book (or several) and anyone who has ever worn the title “hero” can attest to the truth of this concept. Relationships can be incredibly scary, because they require us to open up, be vulnerable, expose our fears, hopes and dreams, and trust that the person we’re in relationship with doesn’t take advantage of us or hurt us or abandon us.
Unfortunately, those things do happen, to all of us. And knowing that can make the fears even worse. But you have a choice. You can choose to let those fears overwhelm you and keep you from the possibility of knowing the joy that can come from experiencing a deep, intimate, trusting relationship...or you can grasp that fear by the horns and ride it all the way through to the other side. The thing about feelings, and this includes fear, is that they are fleeting, they pass. If we allow them to. By fighting them or trying to ignore, dismiss, or stifle them, we give them energy to persist and sometimes worsen. But going ahead and allowing yourself to feel the feelings, even the fear, and learning to accept them without becoming attached to them...this will allow the fleeting sensations to fade and to eventually disappear altogether.
Once you decide not to allow fear to rule you, and you gather up your courage and take the risk, you will be blessed with a variety of experiences, all of which will teach you about yourself, your desires, your limits, and your expectations in a relationship. And once you’ve found one worth investing in, having the courage to take risks WITHIN the relationship will deepen your connection. The act of exposing your vulnerable bits to someone who has proven to be trustworthy serves to strengthen the trust between you, which also cements your bond to one another. It is when a partner shows up and accepts you for ALL of who you are, even the bits you normally keep hidden because you find them unacceptable for whatever reason, THIS is when you know that the love is true, that the connection has the potential to last.
|Posted by firstname.lastname@example.org on February 16, 2015 at 5:15 PM||comments (4)|
Yep, I went to see the movie. I know many people who are boycotting it for several reasons, on both sides of the controversial divide. The books have been torn to shreds by both feminists who do not understand or accept BDSM, and by kinksters who feel that the story misrepresents them and what they do. Both sides have some good points, but both twist and exaggerate other things in ways that are ultimately misleading. I wanted to see it, primarily for professional reasons, since I offer coaching to kinky folk and consultation to other professionals who may also be working with those in the BDSM community or vanilla people who become intrigued and want to dive in without enough information. But I had also read the books and was curious on a personal level.
So there I was, sitting in the theater with my husband and with five of our kinky friends, waiting to see the movie most in the kink community have been dreading. Most of our crowd hadn’t even read the books because they’d heard they were so bad. One of the friends with us was also attending for professional reasons, because she is a student therapist. The rest of the audience that had shown up for the 9pm Friday night (opening night) showing only filled half the theater, at most. Throughout the flick, I was surprised by how much chatter and derisive laughter floated up from the entire audience. Some people seemed to genuinely want to see it, though, as they hollered for others to be quiet. And I was a bit surprised to see camera flashes go off during some of the more provocative scenes. It almost felt like I was sitting in the theater with a crowd that’s accustomed to the interactive nature of Rocky Horror showings.
So now I must delve into reviewing the nature of the flick itself, not just the audience who showed up with me, curious enough to stand in line for 15 minutes before the theater would allow us to file in and find seats. I find myself somewhat reluctant to do so. My reticence comes from the fact that in order to keep integrity with myself, I must admit to all of you that I think BOTH sides of the controversy around this movie have exaggerated their points. Let me be clear about something here, though - this review is strictly about the movie, NOT the book. The movie deliberately cut out a lot of Anastasia’s internal chatter, which means that much of what the feminist critics were decrying and labeling domestic abuse is not present in the movie itself.
The movie, on the other hand, did a pretty good job of showing how important consent is in the BDSM lifestyle. Ana was repeatedly asked by Christian if she agreed to something, and he did reveal his playroom and let her fondle many of the implements there before engaging in a scene with her. He did ask her to review a very detailed contract which included seeking her consent on a number of specific behaviors and actions. The movie producers made a point of showing that Christian struck from the contract the things that Ana refused to agree to. The movie showed him asking her to do some research on some aspects of the contract, and it demonstrated them having a negotiation about the contract and the relationship they were developing.
Unfortunately, the movie also showed Christian engaging in some passive-aggressive and emotionally manipulative behaviors, which influenced Ana’s decisions regarding the relationship and what she was consenting to. The characters in this story are both very human and both made mistakes. Codependence is a two-way street that many, MANY people fall prey to in their relationships. It’s prevalent enough in the BDSM community that I give a class called, “Kinky & Codependent,” in which I help participants learn to differentiate between healthy Dominance/submission and unhealthy codependence. But so many people suffer from this, both in and out of the kink community.
The final scene in the movie, in which [SPOILER ALERT] Ana demands that Christian show her “just how bad it can really be,” and Christian delivers six very hard strikes with a belt to her backside -- this is also an example of two people making egregious mistakes. Both deserve some of the blame for how badly that went. Christian, as the top/dom, should have known better than to allow himself to be baited into doing something like this, while Ana was clearly setting him up and further damaged the trust between them by not calling her safe word when it became apparent that this was indeed over her line.
Lack of Experience or Education...Bad
It’s important to remember that these two characters are incredibly inexperienced in interpersonal relationships. Ana is a complete virgin who has apparently never even touched herself, let alone allow anyone else to touch her erotically. She has never been in a romantic relationship and her parents are not very good role models. Christian was made the submissive of an older woman when he was only 15 years old and stayed in that relationship for six years. He only ever had D/s relationships in which he was the dominant for the next six years before meeting Ana, and he told her he’d never been romantic with anyone. So here are two people who are absolutely clueless about how to communicate, how to self-reflect, how to express boundaries in clear and healthy and respectful ways, and they’re trying to make a D/s relationship work, which requires so many more interpersonal skills than either of them possess. No wonder they hurt each other!
The biggest problem with “50 Shades of Grey” is that it blurs so many lines. Instead of distinct gradations of a non-descript color, this movie instead depicts many things as the same shade. For instance, there is a difference between a top, a master, a dominant, and a sadist - but Christian doesn’t explain these differences and may not even understand them himself. Another example - BDSM is not domestic abuse and those in the lifestyle do not condone stalking, but in this movie, Christian engages in both of these, but since he is also ostensibly a kinkster, vanilla audiences may interpret ALL of his behavior to be acceptable by the BDSM community. This leads vanilla people (especially feminists) to feel revulsion for kinky folk, and outrage toward the men or toward the dominants in the lifestyle for taking advantage of naive, gullible girls/women/submissives.
Let’s Get Real, Abuse is Possible and Present in ALL Communities
Yes, there IS abuse in the BDSM community and in some D/s relationships. Just as there is abuse in many vanilla, heteronormative relationships. Yes, there are people in the BDSM community who have suffered abuse in their past. Just as there are many, many survivors of abuse and trauma in the vanilla, heteronormative population. Yes, people make bad decisions and engage in questionable consent-seeking behaviors...in ALL populations. These things are true, no matter what subculture you hail from. The greater society in which we live (in the U.S.) is very tolerant of violence, rape, and codependence. Most people do not receive adequate (or any) training in interpersonal relationship establishment or maintenance. Most people are not well versed in how to negotiate consent, how to ask for what they want, how to enjoy pleasure, how to draw their boundaries (or even know where those boundaries should be). Most don’t understand that the absence of a “no” is NOT a “yes.”
Let’s Use the Movie as a Starting Point
This movie doesn’t necessarily condone any of the negative relationship behaviors that Christian (and Ana) engage in, but it does reflect the negative society in which they have been raised. Other than the barely believable facts that he is a self-made 20-something billionaire and she is a complete virgin at 20-something, these characters represent aspects of ourselves that we recognize and can identify with, though some don’t wish to acknowledge these mirror images for what they are and so rail against them. But we can use this movie as a starting point for so many conversations, not only about BDSM, but about desire, about pleasure, about consent, about negotiation, about communication, about codependence, about fantasy, about romance, about intimacy, about what’s healthy, about experimentation, about abuse, and about what we can do to teach our children so that they can be more healthy, functional adults who are empowered to negotiate their own sex lives and relationships with honor, grace, integrity, and passion!
|Posted by email@example.com on February 13, 2015 at 9:15 AM||comments (0)|
Emotional manipulation, threats and threatening gestures, social isolation, unreasonable restrictions, undealt-with emotional baggage, evidence of similar patterns in past relationships, abuse of power or privilege - these are things that define a negative, unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship, much like the one that Ana and Christian have in the movie, “50 Shades of Grey.” That’s what many who dislike this story are talking about these days. So, I want to explore the opposite.
What makes for a healthy relationship, whether kinky or vanilla? Love, trust, and respect in both directions. Relationship agreements that are negotiated by all parties involved. Boundaries that can be expressed and are adhered to. Care and concern are present. The motivation to start and continue a relationship is not fear based. No one is coerced or manipulated into doing or feeling anything.
Healthy relationships are not defined by the gender or number of partners involved. A healthy relationship is not defined by the type of sexual interactions or power dynamics the parties choose to engage in together. Engaging in a mutually consensual D/s relationship or participating in mutually consensual BDSM scenes do NOT qualify, in and of themselves, as abuse or dysfunction. The DSM V (the psychological field’s manual of mental disorders, released in 2014) has finally recognized that simply being interested in or participating in BDSM activities is not automatically pathological. That is not to say that there is never any abuse in BDSM relationships, there is - but it’s not directly caused by the kinkiness of either partner.
A healthy relationship is defined, in part, by a secure connection, defined by all partners being able to confidently trust the other(s) will be there when it counts. A healthy relationship is one in which the partners are interested in helping each other, not just concerned with their own needs. A healthy relationship is reflected in the caring words used toward and about each other. A healthy relationship is deemed so when the partners are genuinely interested in each other and turn toward one another for love and support, trusting the other will usually be able to give it.
Most relationships have trouble in one or more areas, especially when the challenges of everyday life weigh on the partners and create stess. Most people are not trained in emotional intelligence, conflict resolution or management, communication and listening skills, etc. That’s where someone like me comes in. As a relationship coach, I can help individuals and partners in relationship learn and practice these skills. I can help identify the obstacles that throw partners off-course and give them the tools to navigate those muddy, rocky waters. If you’d like to schedule an initial session to see if we might be a good fit, please check out my availability and reserve your spot today. Let me know if you have any questions by sending me an email to firstname.lastname@example.org.
|Posted by email@example.com on February 12, 2015 at 8:05 AM||comments (0)|
Every day I focus on the words I use. I learned a long time ago how powerful words can be. As a language major during my undergraduate days, I wrote a paper discussing how thought influences language and how language simultaneously influences thought. You can learn a lot about the values promoted by a culture (or subculture) by examining the language used by that culture. For instance, does your native language have genderless pronouns? Do all nouns have gender embedded in them? If so, what kinds of words tend to be assigned masculine components and which feminine?
Awareness is the first step
When I started doing sex education more than a decade ago, I learned to change the discussion about STIs. In encouraging people to have the “safe(r) sex talk” with prospective new sexual partners, instead of asking each other if they were “clean” (the implication being that they were dirty if they carried something), I changed it to, "Do you have anything to report regarding STIs?"
I remember playing a game with my brother and sister when we were young where we would create a city on the floor out of whatever objects we happened to have on hand (toilet paper rolls, boxes, etc.). Then we would drive our matchbox cars around the city, stopping at “stores” and “banks” and whatnot. This game was called, “Guys,” for some reason, though I have no idea which of us dubbed it thus or why. But this has carried into my adult life, so that I still unthinkingly use masculine words (like “guys” to refer to groups of people regardless of gender (i.e. in gender-mixed groups or groups whose gender mix I don’t know).
I also discovered this week that I tend to default to "he" to refer to people whose gender remains unknown, such as drivers of cars (“Wow, he just ran a red light, didn’t he?”;). I’ve been feeling dismay at these realizations because I do make an effort to change my speech. But this is what becoming aware of privilege is about - continuously checking yourself for ways in which you unconsciously exhibit negative bias and perpetuate inequality, and then making conscious, mindful efforts to change these deeply-embedded actions, words, and thought patterns.
Making the choice to change is the second step
Learning to become aware of the oppressive speech patterns you learned and then choosing to find and use less oppressive or exclusionary words is one fairly easy but very important way you can use your privilege to help others who are less privileged. Just as your word choice can change the way you think, so too can your word choice have an effect on how others think as well, especially if you're a member of the dominant class.
I teach this to my clients, too, especially those whose partner is unwilling to come in for sessions. I tell my clients to be careful of their word choice so that they tell their subconscious and their partner's subconscious what they really want them to hear. Rather than "I can't" try "so far, I haven't learned to" and see if that changes things. In discussions that have some embedded power dynamic or privilege, be extra careful. Instead of chiding your son for “throwing like a girl” when what you mean is “not throwing with enough force” - figure out how to say the latter in a way that doesn’t shame or belittle your daughter at the same time.
Will you accept the challenge to examine & change your words?
Your words, my words, all of our words have power - the power to diminish others or to lift them up. We can empower others and help shift the language of inequality that we grew up with. We can take responsibility for our utterances and thus contribute to a more just and kind society, in which everyone receives respect and opportunity at the same level, regardless of skin color, gender, orientation, relationship structure, physical ability, etc. But it does take effort, practice, mindfulness, and acknowledgment that sometimes this process can be quite uncomfortable. Will you accept the challenge? What’s one word that you can work on removing from or changing in your automatic speech patterns to reflect your value of equality? I will be working on figuring out how to change “guys” when referring to groups of people, and perhaps to using “they” when referring to people in their cars.
Let me know if you’d like to schedule a session to work on your word choices or to help you become more aware of your privilege. We can discuss ways you can work to help those less privileged, or on how to overcome inherited attitudes and actions that can be oppressive and offensive to others. We can also work on how to bring the power of word choice into your interpersonal relationships to help you and your partner(s) learn to communicate more effectively. Click here to schedule a session today!
|Posted by firstname.lastname@example.org on February 11, 2015 at 12:45 PM||comments (2)|
I try not to give advice. Advice usually comes with a should. Instead I try to give suggestions. Advice is about me, because I'm attached to the outcome. Counsel comes with suggestions which are about you. So many people listen to another share about their problems and instead of empathizing, they start telling the other person what they should do. And if the other person doesn’t take their advice, they often get quite insulted. Quit SHOULDing all over each other!
It's not about me
When I work with a client, I may give some suggestions of things to try, but they’re always just that: suggestions. And I also often tell my clients to take what works for them and forget the rest. So if my suggestions don’t sound like something they can do or want to do, or if they forget the suggestion as soon as they leave my office, well then, perhaps I wasn’t enough in alignment with where they were to offer a suggestion that might actually work. But it doesn’t bother me, because it’s not about me. When I am with a client, the session is about them. Finding ways for them to help them out of the situation they find challenging or unendurable. If someone remains in a difficult situation, for whatever reason, they’re not doing so to spite me, to prove that my ideas don’t work. They’re not staying because they know it bothers me. It’s not about me.
Healthy concern versus unhealthy attachment
I am not attached to the outcome of my client’s sessions. I know that might sound somewhat callous, but it’s actually healthy. I’m concerned about my clients and their outcomes, but I’m not attached. The difference is that one expresses healthy levels of care about the other person, while attachment indicates that I have taken some measure of ownership of their problems and solutions, and reveals a codependent level of care. It is possible to care too much, if that care takes on codependent qualities.
Don't fix, ask how you can help
This is true within other types of relationships, as well, not just the client-counselor one. If a friend or partner comes to you with their problems, they’re not necessarily asking you to fix those problems for them. They may simply be needing to vent, they may need to hear validating statements, or they may need expressions of empathy. Well, you ask, how are you possibly supposed to know what they’re needing in any given exchange? You’re not supposed to just know - you need to ask: “How can I help?” And the person might respond with, “I don’t know. Does my upset make sense to you?” - this indicates a need for validation. “I just need a listening ear” - this response suggests that they simply need to vent, to release their pent-up frustration. “I could really use a hug” is a request for empathy. You don’t need to assume you know the answer. You don’t need to assume responsibility for offering solutions. You don’t need to assume that they can’t figure this problem out for themselves. You don’t need to assume you know what they need in this moment. Throw out your assumptions and ask if there’s anything you can do to help.
Release your attachment to their outcomes
Occasionally, someone WILL say, “I need your advice,” or “Can you help me think through this?” or “What would you do in this situation?” Then you get to grease those fix-it wheels and jump in with your whole toolbox and work with them to figure out what might work best for them. But even in this situation, remember, it’s still THEIR problem and you don’t get to take ownership of the problem or the solution. Remember to release your attachment to their outcome.
|Posted by email@example.com on February 10, 2015 at 4:40 PM||comments (0)|
I originally wrote the following on another blog back in May of 2009. I’m kind of sad to say that it’s just as relevant today as it was then, six years ago. Change happens slowly, I suppose…
Why is it, when you've got an oppressed class of people, some within that oppressed class feel free to oppress others within that same group? Some proponents in the "gay marriage" movement stridently declare that same-sex marriage should be allowed, because they're still upholding the standard of only two individuals being in relationship, unlike those swingers and polygamous types. Some within the non-monogamous community, who call themselves poly, disdain those who follow a swinging lifestyle, claiming a more righteous stance because they're more about love and relationships, while swingers are just in it for the sex. In sex work, the phone sex operator says, "Well, at least I don't take my clothes off or have actual sex with my clients;" the exotic dancer says, "Well, at least I don't have sex with anyone;" everyone else intimating that their particular chosen aspect is somehow better, more moral, whatever, than anyone else's.
Hello? Wake up! We're ALL being oppressed, and turning on each other just supports the mainstream idea that we don't belong. Similar to what happened to the Native Americans when the Europeans started taking over - if they could have banded strongly together, instead of fighting amongst themselves, there might have been a different outcome for them.
We need to honor EVERYONE's relationship and sexual choices, whatever they may be, provided they involve consenting adults! Why can't that be our ONLY criterion for judging the morality of loving or sexual interactions? In the Kink community, there's a saying, "Your kink is okay, but it's not my kink." BDSM'ers have largely become accepting of whatever fetishistic, kinky behavior others enjoy, but even here, there are those who are still frowned upon sometimes, such as littles, furries, and scat players.
If you enjoy or can accept that anything beyond vanilla, monogamous, missionary-style sex and love is NOT automatically immoral, wrong, sinful, disgusting, degrading, etc - then let's unite under a banner of Sexual Freedom for ALL!
|Posted by firstname.lastname@example.org on February 9, 2015 at 8:20 AM||comments (0)|
The “50 Shades of Grey” movie is generating all kinds of discussion. A particularly well-written and balanced article appeared recently on Yahoo Health, called “‘Fifty Shades of Grey”: Sexual Exploitation Or A Sexual Revolution?” The author made several interesting points that are important to clear up.
BDSM is Not Torture or Abuse
In quoting the National Center on Sexual Exploitation (NCSE) - which is the new incarnation of the old Morality in the Media organization that was (and is still) so sex-negative - the article included their belief that this movie portrays “torture as sexually gratifying and normalize domestic violence.” This reveals that the NCSE folks don’t know what they’re talking about. On the very top surface layer, someone watching a BDSM scene at a club might become alarmed and assume they’re watching violent torture. But for anyone willing to suspend their judgments for just a few moments and really watch, what they would see would be tenderness between the players, and moments of checking in, during which the “bottom” would again give consent, this time to continue, and elements of care and concern and trust and intimacy that go far beyond what is often portrayed in the typical vanilla porn movie, or experienced in many actual vanilla relationships.
BDSM is also not abuse. Consent is a primary aspect of "the Scene" and the people who play with sensations or power exchange are not doing so as a form of abuse. Everyone who is involved WANTS to be there and everything that goes on during a scene or relationship has been negotiated and AGREED to. Watching partners enact a scene, that same vanilla observer might witness delight, arousal, joy, and pleasure on the faces of everyone involved.
Consent is Not Coercion
Unfortunately, the NCSE group is also trying to cast the concept of “consent” into doubt, saying that “Even among “consenting” participants, this is still sexual violence where many are often coerced to continue against their will and comfort level due to the pressure to appear “into it,” to avoid alienating their intimate partner, or for other reasons.” Again, the problem here is that their spokesperson is speaking in a tone of authority, even though they have no freaking clue what they’re talking about. Acquiescence, which is what they’re describing here, is NOT consent. True consent cannot be given if there’s no option for a revocation of that consent. If a person does not feel free or safe enough to say “no,” then their “yes” is not truly consent. Coercion is the exact opposite of consent.
50 Shades is Fiction, Written by a Vanilla Author
In the story, “50 Shades of Grey,” there are some issues with consent and with stalking behavior. As a feminist BDSM adherent myself, I disliked how Mr. Grey tracked down where Anastasia worked, and some of his tactics were akin to coercion, or at the very least manipulation. He also insisted she sign a contract without full understanding of what it was referring to. This is not true consent. So there are some issues with how kink and consent are portrayed in the movie, but that does not mean that ALL BDSM is like what is portrayed in this fantastical fictional tale. Remember, this is not a documentary. This is fiction, written by someone who is not even in the lifestyle. It’s important to remember that. E.L. James was simply wondering what it would be like to start a relationship with someone who was, and she and her husband explored choreographing scenes in their backyard, fully clothed!
The Positive Consequence of 50 Shades
This article makes another point about feminism, which I’ll explore in another post. For now, it’s important to remember that what is portrayed in the book is not about pathological abuse, BDSM is not “violence,” and the book itself is total fantasy, written by someone who has never actually lived what she’s writing about. There are so many resources available for anyone who becomes truly curious about the lifestyle after seeing the movie. The best thing to have come out of this whole “50 Shades” fad is that it has opened the door for more conversation, shedding light on how wonderfully diverse our sex lives can be, and allowing men and women to begin to ask for what they want, to experiment with their fantasies, and to revel in what they enjoy without shame. Let's make this a conversation about sexual freedom for all. Let's talk about what the difference is between BDSM and abuse. And let's talk about consent and what that really means in the context of a relationship or a scene.
If you’re finding yourself intrigued by the scenes portrayed in the novels or the movie, or if you suddenly found validation for your secret fantasy life, I’d be happy to talk with you during a coaching session to help you explore. I can suggest books, articles, websites, and other resources for reading up on various aspects of the BDSM lifestyle. I can help you find events, clubs, and places for newbies to be accepted in a safe and non-judgmental environment (often called “munches”;). And if you’re struggling with any aspect of these fantasies, I can help you think through the difficulty and eventually come to accept yourself. Book a session today and let’s explore together!
|Posted by email@example.com on February 6, 2015 at 9:40 AM||comments (0)|
Forbid Your Child or Discuss with Them?
I stumbled across the Savvy Mom website today, while doing some writing research and discovered this article: “Should You Let Your Kids Watch ‘50 Shades of Grey’?” The author is a couples, childrens and family therapist and she offers a fairly well-balanced assessment of this question. For her, while she’d love to just outright forbid her 15 year old daughter from seeing the movie, she’s savvy enough to realize that teenagers often have access to adult material from sources their parents cannot control, and making fruit forbidden makes it all the more tantalizing. I appreciated her rational idea to instead talk frankly to her daughter about why she doesn’t want her to see the film, as well as her fears that it could skew her perception of what sex should be like and possibly how men and women are supposed to act in relationship.
Are You Condoning Behavior by Discussing It?
So many of the issues that carry emotional weight from the “What about the children?” fear-mongering argument could be used as springboard discussions to help educate children, to convey your values to this next generation. Shielding them from things you don’t approve of won’t actually help them in the long run. Eventually you won’t be able to hide things from them any longer and they won’t be prepared to deal with these difficult, challenging, controversial issues. Sex of course is one of the primary issues that get parents up in arms.
You Can Give Them The Tools & Ability to Decide
Let’s take a moment and breathe and see if we can conceive of bearing the discomfort of talking to our children about topics that make us queasy long enough to help them learn to navigate these difficult waters. Teaching your child about condoms does not have to mean that you’re condoning having sex too early. In fact, according to WebMD, there is evidence that teens who feel comfortable talking with their parents about sexuality actually delay first intercourse. You can convey your values and expectations at the same time that you’re giving them the tools to protect themselves when they do eventually start having sex. Even better, this is an opportunity to help them think about the issues and reason through rational decisions around whether or not, when, and how to engage in sexual activity.
Become Your Child's Trusted Resource
The blog, L.A. Parent, published a piece on how to use images in media and advertising as teachable moment opportunities. In addition to echoing a lot of what I’ve said in this article, she also mentions the excellent point that having these conversations with your kids helps to build trust between you. You situate yourself in your child’s mind as an expert and as someone they can come to when they have questions or problems around this delicate topic. Wouldn’t you rather they come to you, instead of hiding a problem from you and seeking help from their peers instead?
Let's Talk About How To Have These Talks
I have led workshops for and conducted private sessions with parents to help them learn how to talk to their children about sex and sexuality. If you’d like some guidance on how to do this, please contact me to schedule a session and we’ll map out a strategy or an approach that works with who you are and keeps YOUR values in the forefront of your discussions.
|Posted by firstname.lastname@example.org on February 5, 2015 at 7:05 AM||comments (0)|
Are You Curious?
That’s how some of the ads for the upcoming movie, “50 Shades of Grey” begin. That series of books, which came out in 2011 and 2012, has led to a huge swell of interest in all things related to BDSM. And now the movie is about to hit the big screen (release date of Feb 13), which will introduce this lifestyle to even more people...many of whom may wind up in your office. Many longtime adherents of BDSM may already be your clients and you don’t know it.
Diversity is now the norm
We live in an age in which diversity has become the norm. In the U.S. today, you can find people who identify all over the sexuality spectrum. No longer is the question just “straight or gay or bi;” now people can identify as “pansexual,” or “kinky,” or “polyamorous,” or “gender fluid.” And these are just a few of the varieties that we are now beginning to see in our offices everyday. Popular media such as the bestselling 50 Shades of Gray book series (and upcoming movie), and cable network shows like “Big Love” and “Polyamory: Married and Dating” are bringing to light many diverse sexual and relationship practices. These books and shows are also making it more possible for the thousands of closeted individuals who identify in these ways to start coming out and seeking services.
Unfortunately for most of us, our training did not prepare us to work with such individuals. Most mental health and counseling training programs are barely adequate at preparing providers to discuss any aspect of sexuality.
Many of our codes of ethics require us to refrain from imposing our values on our clients, but often we don’t realize we’re imposing because until recently it was believed that “everyone” held the same values in some areas (i.e. monogamy). Ignorance breeds fear and hatred, which can be communicated subliminally to our clients, especially if we’re not even aware of or clear about our feelings on a subject.
BDSM only marginally accepted by the profession
As the recently revised DSM reveals, the professional thinking on the topic of “sadomasochism” (one aspect of BDSM or kinkiness) is shifting to a less pathological one. Many people today can accept that light bondage and playful slapping are not signs of a mental disorder or abuse. However, it is also possible that a 24/7 dominance/submission relationship can be a healthy alternative for some people. A lot of mental health professionals stumble when confronted with such a client and they either struggle to understand or they simply dismiss this behavior outright as too outrageous to be healthy.
Ethically non-monogamous folk face prejudice & discrimination
Polyamory and other forms of ethical non-monogamy are also concepts that are struggling against ignorance, misunderstanding, and value-based assumptions. People who practice these lifestyles are not necessarily “bigamists or philanderers or cheaters.” Throughout history, many different relationship and family configurations have existed, been accepted, and have worked. The cultural norm of monogamy and nuclear households is just that - a cultural norm, which of course does not mean “normal,” by any means.
Many polyamorous families struggle with the same issues as any other family, simply magnified several fold. However, people living in non-monogamous relationships also struggle against societal and legal prejudices against them, and have to cope with the reality that their rights cannot currently be recognized. They face job and housing discrimination, they can have their children removed from their custody, they struggle with hospital visitation and inheritance laws. These families are completely vulnerable and enjoy no protections under the law, which opens the door to all sorts of problems.
Healthy alternative or pathological issue?
In both cases, however, it’s important to learn how to determine if the non-conventional relationship is to blame for the problems with which the client is presenting. At times, there IS pathology, but many mentally stable and otherwise “normal” polyamorous and BDSM folk have left therapy due to a provider’s insistence that all their problems were due to their nonconforming behaviors.
Other poly folk and kinksters get frustrated when their paid session time is used up educating their therapist. Rather than doing the homework themselves, these providers turn their sessions with these clients into their own personal educational workshop. I’ve even encountered people who wondered if the therapist they were seeing might have been unnecessarily drawing out stories of their clients’ sex lives for their own prurient curiosity.
What can you do to increase your knowledge & acceptance in these areas?
YOU don’t have to be one of these uneducated, unethical, insensitive therapists. You could take advantage of a special opportunity and resource right here in your area. I am Inara de Luna and I am a therapy-trained relationship consultant and sexuality educator who specializes in working with the kinky and non-monogamous populations. I have also lived these lifestyles myself, so I bring both a personal and a professional understanding of these practices. I have been working with this type of client for almost 10 years and have been a member of these communities for almost 20.
There are several ways I can be of service:
Referrals. If someone comes to you with a problem that relates to their being polyamorous or kinky and you don’t feel qualified to help them with that problem, you can refer them to me, provided their issues could be adequately addressed in a non-therapy setting. We could be a sort of collaborative treatment team, sharing our notes and insights (with the client’s permission).
Consultation. If you are already working with someone and they reveal that they are polyamorous or kinky, and you wonder if that could impact or be related to the work you’re doing with them, or you simply want to understand that aspect of them better without asking them to use up valuable session time to educate you, we can get together for a series of consultation sessions.
Teamwork. If you’ve got a client or potential client that identifies as poly or kinky, and you’d like to learn how to better help them, we could always work conjointly with them. This way, you could retain the lead in their ongoing treatment and the client could continue getting insurance reimbursement.
Workshop or training. You could bring me in to speak to your practice, your students, or your organization about the best ways to work with either poly or kinky people (or people who identify as both, as there is considerable overlap).
Teleseminar or pre-recorded MP3 training. I periodically offer a one to two hour teleseminar training for counseling professionals. You could register for the next live session (which gives you the opportunity to have your questions answered live) or you could order a pre-recorded version of the class to listen to at your leisure.
If any of these approaches appeal to you, please get in touch and let's figure out how we can best work together so that you can show up for your kinky or poly clients with knowledge and acceptance of their lifestyle and expression! Call me at 678-825-5020, email me at email@example.com, or send a message through this site's contact form.
|Posted by firstname.lastname@example.org on February 4, 2015 at 3:10 PM||comments (0)|
I was surprised this morning to stumble across this article in Yahoo Health news, “https://www.yahoo.com/health/13-year-olds-push-to-change-rape-culture-107979503182.html" target="_blank">13-Year-Olds Push to Change Rape Culture-Starting in Sex Ed Class.”
“In their petition, the two teens write: “Our society is scared to teach teens and young people about safe sex, and most importantly, consent. Young people will have sex, despite teaching abstinence in the classroom, so the most important thing is to educate us and other young people about consent. When young people don’t learn about the importance of consent in a sexual relationship, it can lead to unhealthy relationships and ultimately perpetuates rape culture.”
I am so in love with these young women! They’re really working on changing the culture of their school environment, and ultimately on the culture of the larger society in which they live. They’re well-versed in what kind of education they want, and the standards, and the organization that has put those sex-positive standards together. They are well spoken and articulate in their writing. I wholeheartedly support them in their mission.