The Sex Positive Coach

Inara de Luna, Relationship Coach & Sexuality Educator


Sexual Freedom For All - Or, Let's Quit the In-fighting!

Posted by [email protected] on February 10, 2015 at 4:40 PM Comments comments (0)

I originally wrote the following on another blog back in May of 2009. I’m kind of sad to say that it’s just as relevant today as it was then, six years ago. Change happens slowly, I suppose…

Why is it, when you've got an oppressed class of people, some within that oppressed class feel free to oppress others within that same group? Some proponents in the "gay marriage" movement stridently declare that same-sex marriage should be allowed, because they're still upholding the standard of only two individuals being in relationship, unlike those swingers and polygamous types. Some within the non-monogamous community, who call themselves poly, disdain those who follow a swinging lifestyle, claiming a more righteous stance because they're more about love and relationships, while swingers are just in it for the sex. In sex work, the phone sex operator says, "Well, at least I don't take my clothes off or have actual sex with my clients;" the exotic dancer says, "Well, at least I don't have sex with anyone;" everyone else intimating that their particular chosen aspect is somehow better, more moral, whatever, than anyone else's.


Hello? Wake up! We're ALL being oppressed, and turning on each other just supports the mainstream idea that we don't belong. Similar to what happened to the Native Americans when the Europeans started taking over - if they could have banded strongly together, instead of fighting amongst themselves, there might have been a different outcome for them.


We need to honor EVERYONE's relationship and sexual choices, whatever they may be, provided they involve consenting adults! Why can't that be our ONLY criterion for judging the morality of loving or sexual interactions? In the Kink community, there's a saying, "Your kink is okay, but it's not my kink." BDSM'ers have largely become accepting of whatever fetishistic, kinky behavior others enjoy, but even here, there are those who are still frowned upon sometimes, such as littles, furries, and scat players.


If you enjoy or can accept that anything beyond vanilla, monogamous, missionary-style sex and love is NOT automatically immoral, wrong, sinful, disgusting, degrading, etc - then let's unite under a banner of Sexual Freedom for ALL!


Teens Promoting Consent Culture, Petitioning School for More Comprehensive Sex Ed

Posted by [email protected] on February 4, 2015 at 3:10 PM Comments comments (0)

I was surprised this morning to stumble across this article in Yahoo Health news, “" target="_blank">13-Year-Olds Push to Change Rape Culture-Starting in Sex Ed Class.”


“In their petition, the two teens write: “Our society is scared to teach teens and young people about safe sex, and most importantly, consent. Young people will have sex, despite teaching abstinence in the classroom, so the most important thing is to educate us and other young people about consent. When young people don’t learn about the importance of consent in a sexual relationship, it can lead to unhealthy relationships and ultimately perpetuates rape culture.”


I am so in love with these young women! They’re really working on changing the culture of their school environment, and ultimately on the culture of the larger society in which they live. They’re well-versed in what kind of education they want, and the standards, and the organization that has put those sex-positive standards together. They are well spoken and articulate in their writing. I wholeheartedly support them in their mission.


Sexual Education Teachers Have Been Fired for their Off-Time Sex-Positive Activities & Associations

Posted by [email protected] on February 3, 2015 at 3:05 PM Comments comments (0)

I was appalled when I saw this recent Tweet from @CatalystCon:


I was further saddened when I read the Fox News story. It grossly and ridiculously misrepresents Planned Parenthood, CatalystCon, and Good Vibrations in an attempt to sway readers to believe and support actions and arguments based solely on emotion and not fact.


My biggest surprise came when I dug deeper, trying to find anything written by someone NOT negatively biased toward sex or sex ed. And I found NOTHING in my initial search. There are several articles and blog posts and op ed pieces available, but all of them are written from a sex-negative perspective. I am not going to link to any of those, as I don’t want to contribute to their placement in search results. You can Google the story; I used the search phrase, “catalystcon sex ed teachers california.”


Today, I found TWO pieces, though both are also blog posts like this one, not official or professional media outlets. But both have some good things to say and do serve to balance the conversation a bit. Angelique Luna wrote on her site, Living a Sex Positive Life, an article titled, “Who is Qualify to Teach Our Children.” Brenda, the owner of a sex-positive shop in Edmonton, Canada, has a blog called Talk Sense with Brenda, and she wrote “The Exact Kind of People You Want Teaching Your Kids Banned From Teaching Sex Ed.” Brenda actually commended all three of those institutions, correcting the misrepresentations that Fox and other outlets are pushing.


Unfortunately, I haven’t yet been able to track down the names of the two teachers who have been fired, though I’d love to, in order to give them a chance to tell their own side of this story. I can imagine how much they’re dealing with right now, though, and I wish them both well in their future endeavors. Perhaps they can be like Kendra Holliday of The Beautiful Kind, who boldly and bravely came out after being fired from her job when they discovered her private, personal, sex-positive blog. She ran with the publicity and has gone on to to become a driving force in the sex-positive movement.

Sex positive activists and educators need to be speaking up and mobilizing together to counteract this poison. Can’t we conduct our own movement? Let’s put together a list of sex-positive media outlets and writers, so that when we hear an inkling of a story such as this one, we can submit it for coverage by someone on our side. Yes, I’m biased, in favor of people having choice, of being given the information to make informed decisions about their bodies and their sexualities and their relationships, of being free of coercion to conform with the most conservative element of our society, of being free of the fear of persecution for being true to themselves, whatever that may look like!



What is Sex Positivity?

Posted by [email protected] on January 11, 2015 at 9:15 AM Comments comments (0)

Sex positivity is a term that conveys a belief in the essential goodness of sex and sexuality. Too many negative ideas, beliefs, and attitudes toward sex, sexuality, pleasure, and the body were passed down by those early Puritan immigrants, those original colonists who were extremely conservative and modest. Sex positivity attempts to reverse some of the damage done to our collective and individual psyches by all that negativity. A lot of individual and relationship issues can be traced back to some negative feeling toward one’s own body or one’s sexual expression in the world, or by a lack of affectionate or sexual interaction and touch. So many people are desperate for those things, and for things like intimacy and affirmation, and they use sex to fill needs that feel sexual in nature, and may indeed be related to one’s sexuality, but which don’t require actual sex to fill, if only we knew other ways of getting those needs met.


Sex has also been used to control the masses and individuals. It is still used in wars today: women of conquered peoples are often subjected to wartime rape. Women in abusive marriages often have to swallow their distaste for certain sexual acts in order to appease their bullying husbands. Sex can be used destructively in a host of other ways, too, such as being withheld to punish a partner, or alternatively, used as a reward for “good” behavior. It can be used as a power play, to exert control over someone. It can be used to self-medicate, and it can even be used to commit a somewhat passive form of suicide or even homicide (i.e., AIDS-carrying bareback riders).


And then there are all the people who feel too ugly, too shy, too geeky, or too whatever, to get the affectionate and sexual touch they crave. Others learn to “turn off” those desires, such as people in “sexless marriages,” or those who don’t know how to get those needs met.


At the Sex Positive Coach, we believe that everyone has a right to get their needs for touch and pleasure met, and we can help them learn how to do so. Relationships are often about finding those people with whom it’s acceptable to exchange touch and intimacy. So how do we find relationships? How do we maintain and succeed in our relationships? How do we let some relationships go when necessary? How do we get ourselves into the right frame of mind to find and maintain a healthy relationship? Do we celebrate our relationship with ourselves? Are we really okay with who WE are and what we need? These questions and more can be addressed during a SPC session with one of our coaches.

To schedule an introductory session to see if our approach might be a good fit for you, please review availability and reserve your time slot HERE.


What is The Sex Positive Coach all about?

Posted by [email protected] on January 9, 2015 at 8:30 AM Comments comments (0)

At the Sex Positive Coach, we talk about far more than sex. Most of what we talk about is actually more relationship focused than sex focused. Our name refers to the fact that we are specifically interested in helping people who live an “alternative” lifestyle, lovestyle, or sexstyle.

We are also sex positive, even when it comes to vanilla, mono sex and relationships. We believe that sex and pleasure are GOOD things and an interest in exploring, experiencing, and experimenting in these areas is healthy and not automatically pathological. THAT’s what we mean when we say we are sex positive coaches.

We are essentially life and relationship coaches who feel that sex is a healthy and important part of everyone’s life, and that ALL consensual sex and love acts can be healthy and good for those involved, regardless of how many, or of what orientations, races, ages, level of physical ability are those individuals.